Sunday, September 20, 2009

Jerry's Current Events

So, let’s see here. I don’t even know where to start. There are a few things on my mind—past and future events, and I suppose the most logical and least convoluted thing to do would be to go through my chronicling chronologically.

Last Monday, I attended my first group blues jam in which I was actually a participant. It was a free weekly jam that McMichael Music puts on in order to get aspiring musicians out of their shell and playing with like-minded folks, and I really enjoyed the experience when I wasn’t scared to death of making a fool out of myself. Coming out of it, I was greatly relieved I wasn’t the worst guitar player there, and one of the guitar teachers even gave me a big compliment on one—my first, actually—of my solos, which was big deal for me. I think he could see how nervous I was so it might have been pity praise.

I was informed Saturday an I-hate-Jerry-club had been formed, and right now at work there is a sign hanging up that reads “I hate you Jerry.” This morning a young lady texted me to say I was an asshole, and some old man at work walked up to me and inexplicably said, “Nobody likes you.” Then he just walked off. That seriously happened. I thought the club was a joke, but apparently, it’s real and gaining members pretty damn quick.

I went to Coach’s on Main Street here in Norman Saturday night after work to indulge in some live music. A very pleasant drunkard greeted my friend and me in the parking and warned us that the band, in fact, “sucked” and that there were “a lotta better things” we could do with $5. I honestly thought he was going to try to sell us drugs after the line about finding better things to do with my money, but sadly, it was not to be.

My guitar teacher is actually in the band accused of sucking so too is a blind guy, but that’s irrelevant and probably tasteless for me to point out. The band is called The Stumblers, and I’m not sure why (wink, wink! I really do know, and I think you do, too!).

Once I went in Coach’s, I sat down at the bar and started ordering bourbon-and-coke’s as a young alcoholic of my particular background is wont to do. When my teacher noticed me during one of the band’s breaks, I got to experience his proclivity for cursing and revealing incriminating stories while under the influence of alcohol as older men of his particular background are wont to do. It was pleasant. I feel like we really connected, and I feel much more comfortable around him now. I love booze.

Looking to the future, I’m going to see The Black Crowes on Thursday. I’m pretty excited, but this means I’m gonna have to skip my shift on the radio. Consequently, I’ll have to DJ two shifts next week.

Oh yeah, for those of you that didn’t know, I’m a DJ for The Wire at OU. You’re all more than welcome to check out my show. It’s on Thursday 6-8 p.m., and I play an eclectic mix of music and throw in my and my co-host’s inane ramblings here and there for extra flavor. If you’re in the Norman area, 1710 AM is an option, but the live stream on the website is much more reliable.

I’m pretty sure I had more to talk about, but if I remember I can just post it later. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

It's That Time of Year Again!

Well, it's almost that time of year. It's September so the race has been on for retail chains across America to put out all their Halloween-themed candy and decorations. One of those Halloween stores that's around for two months out of the year opened its doors just a few blocks from my apartment, and they had someone dressed as a penguin on the side of the road holding an advertisement for their shop the other day.

I feel sorry for that person. I stood outside for about 15 minutes today, and I smell like a jock strap now. The penguin had to have been reeking by the end of the day because those costumes are always way too frickin' hot. If global warming gets any worse, Halloween will be canceled so homeowners won't have to deal with sweaty-ass kids stinking up their lawns.

The costumes nowadays have their pros and cons. On the one hand, some of the outfits are becoming much more realistic thanks to fancy future materials like foam and plastic. For example, check out these sweet Oscar the Grouch costumes I saw a couple scroungy-looking guys wearing a couple days ago...

Welcome to the future everyone! It just feels like some smelly, angry, green guy is gonna leap right outta there and let everyone know he's having a bad day.

Even though the costumes are looking better than ever, the originality just isn't there anymore. Every guy on the block is dressed as a pirate, fireman, or a vampire, and one dude no one likes always dresses up in some beer or condom-themed thing and goes home alone at the end of the night. Most girls put on a costume titled "Sexy" something-or-other and prance around in skimpy clothing because it's the one day out of the year it's socially acceptable for them to dress like the whores they deep down really want to be.

In the end, Halloween isn't scary anymore. We've seen it all already, or we've seen it too soon to where there's no surprise left. Generally speaking, guys come off as being bigger jackasses than usual, and the ladies seem to want to change the holiday to Slut-for-a-Day or something.

Guh. It's the second week of September, and I'm already sick of Halloween. I guess it's just that time of year.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

When a Man Loves a Woman with a Gun

A few weeks ago, I hooked up with a girl at a party, and we went back to her place where she told me she “practiced safe sex.” I told her that was great because I did, too. However, what she meant by her comment was she had a loaded gun by her bed at all times sitting on her nightstand. So, when I told her I practiced safe sex, I thought I had alluded to keeping a box of condoms of assorted colors and flavors at my disposal, but what she heard was that I like to have group sex with Smith & Wesson.

When I saw the gun in her bedroom, I didn’t panic and run away. My family raised me around firearms, and I didn’t want to get shot in the back. I decided to play it as safe as I could. I would have sex with this girl and try not to do anything to threaten her or piss her off. There was a problem with my plan, though. She said she wanted rough sex. I felt as though I had to oblige, but I was scared to death I was going to take it further than she wanted to go. I’ve found out the hard way that people have their limits, and this wasn’t one of those “hard knock” lessons I was willing to learn.

The night consisted of me continuously almost building up to an orgasm only to lose all that pressure when I’d start to imagine her reaching for the gun. I wanted nothing more than to cum and fall asleep in her protective arms, but the sex lasted for more than two hours culminating in me having an anxiety attack on top of her and effectually faking my own orgasm. For the next four hours, I was used as a body pillow while I stayed awake staring at her ceiling fan in a cold sweat.